I Left My Heart in Mexico
Typically, I would be writing a full essay walking you through every single ceremony, every single epic thing that happened to me on this deeply healing and expansive journey… but I can’t even bring myself to remember or process it all, much less express it. Some of what happened I feel hit me so deep that it isn’t to be said yet… it isn’t even conscious for me at this point, it’s just simmering in a pot somewhere in my depths…
When I first returned “home” from my time in Tulum, MX, I was between two worlds. I couldn’t find presence. There was just a force greater than I could comprehend pulling at my soul. It was confusing, it was riddled with tension, it was painful, it was beautiful. At some point in my efforts to integrate, to process, to make sense of it all, I just had to surrender and put it down. I actually had to stop trying, to stop contemplating, to just stop the sensation of reaching. Whatever has happened and continues to happen to me because of it is a mystery.
And mysteries of this nature are not meant to be solved, but received.
If I am to have clarity or answers, I now trust that they will arrive if and when they are meant to.
The truth is, it didn’t even start with Mexico.
It started the first time I traveled after I made the decision to finally leave New England for good after a decade of calling it home. I had returned “home” from Thanksgiving in Austin with my sister to find my world flipped upside down, my paradigm reversed… the place I had held so close to my chest for so long had melted away from me. I no longer felt the pull, the commitment, the connection. My heart felt free because I stood there seeing this place for what it was through this new lens. My eyes have changed so much in the past couple of years, and when I finally detached from all that I held onto for a false sense of security, I saw it clearly.
Boston, Shrewsbury, New England… was never for me. I knew that in my head. But I could finally feel that freedom in my heart.
I used to tie myself to my reality. If something appeared in front of me, and I accepted it as part of my world, I would then cling to it, draw it in so deeply that it would become a part of me. Unconsciously doing this was dangerous, an unhealed feminine wound. I would not question the things or people closest to me even if they were hurting me deeply. I needed them in that moment. They were my security blanket used to clamp down and remain fixed. Because I couldn’t possible look under the blanket to discover what was hiding there… trauma, history, pain, stories, heaviness, darkness, confusion, years and years and years of conditioning that I allowed because I simply didn’t know I could choose who I wanted to be, how I wanted to live my life, that I could create boundaries, and from those boundaries, my entire reality. Boston had been one of my favorite blankets… the one I slept with every night and never washed because the smell was familiar.
Sometime between a Scorpio new moon and a couple dark nights of the soul, my reflection became clear. I was not meant to remain somewhere that capped my growth, my capacity to breathe deeply, my sense of freedom. There are other places I need to see. Other ways of living. Other mountains to climb, people to meet, and adventures to seek. The only reason I wasn’t out seeking them was because that blanket was so heavy.
So I’ve spent the last few months finding a way to release it, to burn it, to thank it for all that it gave me and trust myself to move on to who I now choose to be and what I choose to call into my one and only life. I’ve been opening in ways I never have. I’ve been growing and challenging myself in ways I never thought possible. I’ve been healing faster, deeper, receiving more with an open and vulnerable heart, creating things I’ve never even dreamt of… until now. This has been a ride that took off only three months ago. It started November 1st and I jumped on board with my soul, knowing the intense momentum might not last forever, that something would eventually shift again and I would have to recalibrate to sustain myself, to keep my momentum going so that I didn’t fall back on myself, change my mind, make decisions out of fear, or worse… get stuck once again.
The year 2021 was ending, my life was expanding, I felt so clear. And then came Mexico…
Engulfed in ceremony after ceremony, drenched in the essence and energies of powerful ancestral beings and native lands, surrounded by love, I tapped into a flow, a frequency, a vortex.
And like a wave, when you catch the current, it catches you right back.
I met the most beautiful man named Simon who contained all the best traits of the masculine and reflected all the things I hold dearest, something I know could not have happened at any other time in any other way.
I met soul family, him included, gypsies and travelers just like me, searching for much the same.
I connected with strangers in deeper ways than I can grasp was even possible, they became family, and my heart was cracked open.
I tapped into what I had already intended… to move forward into this year with adventure, trust, love and travel.
Mexico is a powerful place. A vortex for me. And it held me aloft as I opened up to a higher version of myself, shedding so many things that were put upon me, releasing so many untruths to make way for more light. It taught me how to trust, how to learn, how to dance, how to create, how to receive and how to be one with nature.
My toes were free in the sand and grass.
My body alive in the humid sun and the cool night breeze of the jungle.
My belly was nourished by the fresh juices and fruits, fed to me by that same loving man.
And my heart was full, for I felt it beating like never before.
A ceremony each day and each night, I set intentions and traversed the planes of my mind to enter the depths of my soul. I created space for my truth to pour through like a dam breaking open.
And on my final evening there, we gathered late at night around a fire, dressed in bare feet and my naked truth, and I found myself building it up and tending it while singing and dancing, co-creating magic.
It was under those stars that night that I touched it… I felt it… my core. Myself. Deeper than I maybe ever have. And I wept. And Simon held me. And we laughed. And danced some more.
And then the next day… I hopped on a plane and landed in a frosty land in the darkness. Alone, transported, lost. Where was I? How did I get here? My body went into shock from the physical change, but my energy also felt the wave of change and became so confused.
Once again, it happened. I had returned to the home I once new to find it no longer my home. To feel such a pull away from it. To feel such a deep need to release it NOW and forever. Time is so relative. I recoiled in on myself for a few days that felt like forever because I didn’t understand where I was nor how I allowed myself to get there. I had TOUCHED it. My light. I was right there. The blanket was burned. The old me shed and dead and gone. I was already traveling, feeling so alive. Why did I have to come back when I can feel in my bones that it’s my time….
It hurt. It ripped a piece of me because the power of that place didn’t just give me my energy back… it also kept a piece of me forever. Mexico is more than just a place, it’s a collective energy stronger than the sum of its parts. My body came back to the States, but my heart is still there. It beats for the drum, the waves, the love, the people, the magic.
My heart was awakened, so there it remained.
How could it do anything more? I’m starting to feel like my intuition is so rooted in my heart space that these are the kinds of signals I need to receive in order to heed my own wisdom. The wisdom this time… “It is time to go. Now.”
I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is, my heart is no longer here. So I clear. I clean house, quite literally. I release what is not longer mine to hold. I surrender my belongings and trust that the space I am creating will allow for something so much deeper to entire my being. Like the ocean receiving a ship.
I trust it. I trust myself. I trust the Universe and all that has yet to manifest.
Home is here, where my heart is. And my heart seeks to roam. To trust, to open to these same kinds of experiences that teach me more than any one place can. I left my heart in Mexico because my heart is expanding into an energy that only such a sacred place can encompass.
Something I wrote in my journal right after Mexico…
Pachamama, I trust in the path you have laid out before me. For I would not be sitting here now, having the experiences I’ve had, having met the people I met, if it was not all in my highest good on this planet. Now, here, I ask for the strength and light to move forward with the tasks at hand. To take action on my journey that lies ahead. There is much to be done. And while in this moment things seem still and cold, the waters run deep underneath, bubbling and awaiting their chance to burst forward once again.
Time flees. My time here almost up. Use it wisely. Do not forsake this place, but embrace it with a final hug and a worshipping heart, for I am here, now, this person, in part, because of it…
Ometeotl.
Aho.