On Emptying

This winter is about clearing out some serious space…

In my body 

In my womb 

In my heart 

In my mind 

To recalibrate being a partner 

To recalibrate who I am at this stage in my life 

To kick some ass 

To heal. 

My hip holds a lot of pain, tension, injury, the past, the present, the future. I feel it tingling every time something’s wrong. I feel the muscles and the ligaments spasm and stress every time things malfunction. And so I dive deeper, I practice, I massage, I sit, I heal. And yet, the pain is still there.

This chronic injury teaches me a lot. It happened August 2021 when I tried water skiing for the first time. These long dancer legs, with a history of psoas bursitis and tendinitis just couldn’t handle the pressure of the water. And from that day since, a pain has creeped into my leg that signals me when something’s wrong. It isn’t every day. It’s come and gone in waves, in phases, like most things in my life. But it’s there still.

Many of us tend to accept things, even uncomfortable things, in a tamasic state. We don’t attempt to create an alternative because we don’t think one can exist. Lethargy, complacency and depression prevail. This is how energy can malfunction and become stuck inside us. Sometimes it’s more subtle. Sometime’s it’s more obvious, but pain always always always is a signal that we CAN transmute if we choose to do the work.

I’m finally making space for this work, in my hip, and simultaneously softening and surrendering to the path that will allow me to heal. I’ve tended toward pressing and pushing into things in the past, especially with my physical body. And that’s how I’ve disprespected it, bypassed it, and even violated its sanctity.

No more.
No longer will I ignore what my body tells me is true.
No matter the perceived cost. My body’s health costs more.

This winter, I practice stillness, just like the frozen lake.

I sit with myself.

I sit with my hip.

I nourish my body inside and out.

I take the learned tools and apply them.

I am patient and kind.

I listen for answers.

I receive the pain.

I receive the healing.

I connect to this part of me that is yearning to tell me something.

What is it? You, the feminine side of my body asks for something, can you receive?

That is your essence, and so why are you blocked still?

After years of clearing and opening and releasing, why are you hurt? Why are you still hurting?

I work with my body inside and out, from subtle to gross.

I use this time to do what I can on one plane, while recognizing that the seed of everything we experience begins in a subtle form.

There is always a root.

Sometimes the leaves and weeds have grown so abundant we have trouble getting to it.

But deep down there, somewhere, is an answer.

I do not dig for this answer.

I allow the wisdom to come to me exactly how and when it will.

I surrender on this journey
and I trust everything that happens to me happens for me.

Aho.

And so it is.