Thankful, Two Pieces of a Puzzle
PART 1
THANKFUL FOR THE PERSPECTIVE
Cleanse timing. When it comes to Ayurvedic cleansing, also known as Panchakarma, it can be really useful to give yourself time. There are many ways to fit in a cleanse. Some people have to just keep working and remain in their normal day to day, and just do the depth of cleansing they can. It’s absolutely better than nothing. But this year, I chose to go deep, so deep I went to the jungles of Puerto Rico to visit my teachers, to receive these teachings and this experience in person. First time. Magical. That’s why I say that it can be really useful to carve out the time you need for the actual program, and then some.
Some of my program had to shift because the body needed what it needed when it needed it. Lesson learned about carving out more time. We did our best with the time allotted. In the end, I felt incredible. I was glowing inside and out, and I was heading for the loud and crazy city of Miami with Thanksgiving and family time not even a week away.
Arriving in Miami from the quiet beaches of Isabela, Puerto Rico was… highly overwhelming. I was so turned back on by the sheer variety of noise and choices and people that I tried to integrate too fast, that’s with food, activity, conversation, really anything that pulls you outside of yourself and offers stimulation. My body did not respond well. I was forced to slow down and pare it back, with stimulation, input, flavors. Like a baby being introduced to the world, I had to simplify my experiences, especially with food. And this realization came about two days before Thanksgiving.
Once I finished crying in the shower about it, I finally recognized the opportunity I had, one not many people get. I had an insight to the subtleties around this holiday and its many flavors that most people never do. It was my chance to carefully go step by step through discerning what my body actually appreciated, what was nourishing to me versus filling a craving, and what would ultimately heal my decision making process with what and how I consume. See, most of us don’t think deeply about the combinations of tastes and flavors and qualities of what we intake, much less the idea of processing through other senses. We just know we like this or we don’t like that and down it goes. Furthermore, many of us don’t eat in a conscious way. We eat distracted, by our lives, our phones, our intense conversations, our loud music. We don’t honor and focus on the food we are merging with our very sacred and very temporary bodies.
We become what we eat.
Literally, the foods and sounds and sights and experiences and smells we intake create the structure we inhabit. And it’s plain to see through the lens of this ancient science how too much of one quality can create an imbalance in the system. Too much heavy, complicated Thanksgiving food, and we start to get heavy and lethargic ourselves. Probably good it’s only a special occasion. Yeah, let’s go with that, America…
But I digress, Thanksgiving was beautiful. I had my own version of the food, simplified for me to enjoy during and after. I even shared some Ayurvedic sweet treats and the family loved them. And then I had a mini slice of pie that was heaven. Such a good lesson in patience and self-control. If I can do that then, I can do it anywhere. And it’s not about cooking and bringing my own food as much as it’s about noticing my environment, noticing my reaction, my needs, and stating them clearly in the moment. It’s quite simple actually, and now I’m finally ready to build this muscle.
Then… Miami Art Basel arrived, and it was my partner’s first visit to the city, the city with possibly the biggest array of cuisines in the world… and lots and lots of yummy food trucks. And night life, and murals to paint, and people to meet. This was a once in a lifetime experience for us both. What to do… to fight it or to receive it, trust my body and be in flow? Mind you, when I peeled back and really listened to my body, it was just not ready for this. I needed another week or two on the beach in Puerto Rico. But as I said, I had to trust the timing, the lessons, all of it. We can’t fight our reality. The lesser of what felt like two evils was to create less emotional tension around my choices by simply letting go a bit and dipping back in to the indulgence, if you will. I held on to the knowing, knowing I did the work I could, and I had yet another chance to simply experience and learn.
The evening I made that decision I released something, tension I held in my mind. For dinner, we had some arepas and fried food, and I swear they sat so well. I believe it was because I made such a deep conscious decision to eat that and enjoy it thoroughly. Someone eating the same thing while rushing around on a hot day may not have the same luck in the digestive tract. And they probably hadn’t cleansed like I had. I was happy and truly enjoying the eating and tasting experience with the person I love in a beautiful and fun environment. I felt free. And on we went into an epic week of an epic festival.
Fast forward anooother week… and I may have pushed it a little too far consuming substances like caffeine and alcohol that my body was just in no shape to process. I also was up all night for several nights, sleeping late, and just throwing myself around to be part of the mix. It was so fun and a once in a lifetime experience that we needed for our business and exposure. BUT I could’ve made a few alternate decisions. It was like the equivalent of feeding this experience, all the food, all the music, all the substances, to a small baby… not the best idea.
But hey, here we are. And guess what? I learned from it. I learned what not to do and I learned how to recover. Now, still in Miami, I’m curled inward toward another mini cleanse that seemed difficult after all the noise, but also really necessary. I’m realizing it’s okay to make mistakes. I didn’t actually do anything wrong. (Big self-compassion breakthrough for this lady.) And I’m gaining so much awareness from this entire process. Also, I’m feeling fantastic now that my body’s recalibrating from some extreme opposites.
That is really what Ayurveda is about, the process of noticing, coming to know and listen to yourself, getting closer to nature and your nature, and using all of the information to make informed decisions that rebalance the system. The world provides us with a lot of excess noise that distracts us from this subtle relationship with ourselves, so it’s our job now more than ever to hear and see and feel beyond it. I’m creating this sanctuary now to take back up north for the winter so that I can nourish myself, create stability and strength, and tend the fire to prepare for the seasons to come.
More than anything, I’m learning that this work is a never-ending process of depth and recalibration. There is no “right way” to practice, and the most important tool is presence. True presence is when I come into contact with my truth and my environment simultaneously, and I create agency to make the right choice for me at any given moment.
The time I spent in Panchakarma was like a door opening up that I didn’t even know was there. Once it appeared, there was no question I had to walk through it into something new. It’s subtle, but potent work that continues to change my life for the better through every phase.
I highly recommend.
PART 2
UNSPOKEN HARMONIEs, An ode to love
I write this down to let this go, to release the energy back down into the earth and out into the universe from which it came, from which all things come.
We call in our medicine, whether that’s sweet or sour. Usually, there’s pain involved until we reach the point where our perspective shifts to contextualize it as pleasure. That is the moment in a person’s life where things stop happening to you and start happening for you. That is when the stories other people project onto you, as you grow out of what used to be, is seen through your eyes as their deepest wounds coming up, yearning to heal. But you can’t heal others, you can only free yourself and lend a mirror. Sometimes that mirror is too clear. Sometimes it’s just right.
We always get our medicine.
Whether we choose to take our dose or spit it out is up to us. That’s free will. That’s healing. That’s truly living.
Here… he wanted always to fully open his heart and his world to me. But the dose was too big. My reflection AND my distance. Mixed messages to a mind in flux. While I traipsed off in search of something. It hurt us both. It was medicine for us both. It provided fuel for his perceived needs at the time. He needed freedom, but not to be alone. In a way, I sought the same. The truth was, we needed each other, community, depth, consistency, commitment. The truth us we both had to put down our shields… same time, on three, trust one another, to ever get here. We are now at a place where our individual and shared boundaries are impenetrable while our hearts remain open. There is nothing we can do but share our love and shine a light for others. Protect it. Cherish it. Work at it every single day. We earn this. It’s work. It’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever experienced.
And I see him. And I forgive him. Always. For his pain. For his mistakes. For his growth. For his fears. I love him. All of him. And I work to accept our differences. Because this feeling, this clarity, is allowing me access to my fuller self. The differences create that capacity for clarity. This is ride or die, partner in crime, I got your back, tribe energy from a true king, a reflection, a complement of a human I am so honored to share with.
These stories, these blips, these pains and medicines on our shared journey are FOR us. Always. We get to choose to release the pain, the people, the conflict energy, the situations that take from us and do not serve us. We get to choose how to love, how to say no. We get to commit, to communicate our needs, our fears, our dreams. We actively participate in our healing and living.
The weather is constantly changing. We are constantly vulnerable to abandonment. So we face those monsters together, we uncover them. We free ourselves and shine that light for others to be free as well.
And as the journey winds along, the debris clears, making way for a path forged by our strengths and our visions, but mostly by our willingness to show up and walk it.
I choose this.
I choose him.
I actively walk this path because it’s teaching me that I can have it all by letting it all be free from my grip and living in harmony with him, with nature, with the path. I trust my world and the people I bring into it. I trust him. I trust the many medicines that heal me and set us both free.